It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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