Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
