Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
