I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
