my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
