Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
