I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
