my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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