these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
