My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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