I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
then he tried to convert me to islam
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
