he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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