so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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