so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
