I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
