Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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