mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
