I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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