I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
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