Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
