i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
