What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think my vagina is haunted
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
