Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
