I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
