I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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