Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
