i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize