I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
