I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
