do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
