The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
