Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You were trust falling into bushes
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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