Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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