There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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