he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
a search helicopter?!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
