Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
