the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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