I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
