your parents love me but you hate me
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
