It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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