there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
