I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
