i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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