overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
