DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
my liver is dry heaving
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
