I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
