when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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