When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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