Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
