i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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