I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize