I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
