i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
