Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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