Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
