separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize