I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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