yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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